Sirius, I Don't Understand
by Licuma Lome
Summary: Remus reflects on Sirius's death while trying to understand what's happened. Oneshot, SiriusRemus.


Short and very stream-of-consciousness-y. In case it gets too confusing during the flashback conversations, the plain text is Sirius, the italics is Remus, and the bold is James. Otherwise, this is Remus speaking.

* * *

Sirius, I don't understand.

It's been a long time since I've said those words. I know you remember the first time.

* * *

_Sirius, I don't understand._

What don't you understand, Moony?

_Why me? Why not James? You were always closer to James._

James isn't like you, Remus. James never understood the way you did. I could never talk to James the way I talk to you, don't you know that?

_Don't misunderstand me—I'm glad, Sirius. I just don't understand why.

* * *

_

Well, I understand that now. Sort of. As much as I ever could. But I don't understand this, I don't understand tonight. Ten minutes ago you were here with me. Well, actually, you were over there fighting Bellatrix, but you were still _here._ I wish I could go with you now. I've always wanted to go with you.

* * *

_Padfoot, you can't go alone._

I have to go alone, Remus. If two of us go, it will look more conspicuous.

_You know that there will be Death Eaters, Sirius. There will be more than one. You're good, Sirius, you're excellent—but you can't fight ten or twelve Death Eaters at once. Let me go with you._

Stay here, Moony. Please. I wouldn't be able to stand it if you got hurt.

_I'm not a child, Sirius!_

Just stay here tonight. Please, Moony. Do it for me?

* * *

And I did. And when Peter wasn't there, when you realized what Peter had done, you went to follow him. You never could control your temper!

* * *

_James, Sirius. Why did you do that? He didn't do anything to you._

**Don't look at me like that, Remus. I'm not a monster.**

Oh, James, you know Moony can't stand violence…

_I'm serious. Severus didn't do _anything_ to provoke that… that attack! Can you imagine what it would do to you to be exposed like that?_

Remus…

_And to a boy who does not have any friends to begin with. I was that boy once, don't you remember? Just think about that, Sirius. And you, James._

**Moony, Moony… Always there to set us straight when we break the rules. What would we do without you?**

_In all honesty, James, I can't see that what I have to say makes a difference. You haven't listened to me since they made me a Prefect._

Of course we listen to you, Remus… We just…

_You just can't control yourself when anyone insults you just the slightest bit. You can't let it go. You never could.

* * *

_

Why did you have to laugh at her, Sirius? Why couldn't you let it go? You wouldn't have been distracted, you wouldn't have let her curse you. And now I have to know that you're gone. I have to be here without you. I'm _angry_ with you, Sirius. I could never tell you that before. Why is it so easy now?

* * *

What's wrong, Remus?

_I just… It's nothing, Sirius._

Yes it is, Remus. Tell me what's wrong. I won't get mad, I promise.

_You can't promise that, Padfoot._

I just did. Please tell me.

_I'm mad at you, Sirius. Why do you keep putting us at risk like this?_

I don't know what you mean, Moony.

_Those children in the village will want to know where that friendly dog has gone. Next time they might follow you—maybe even all the way to the Shrieking Shack. Then they will meet me the way Severus almost did. I will bite them the way Fenrir bit me when I was a child and—_

You could never be as bad as Greyback.

_That's not the point, Sirius!_

I'm sorry, Moony. I'm really sorry. Don't be angry with me, please.

_Oh I'm… I'm not, Sirius. I'm not angry.

* * *

_

But I was. Why couldn't I tell you? There are a lot of things I wish I could tell you now, Sirius. I did tell you once. I wonder if you remember?

* * *

_It's been a long time, my friend._

I missed you, too.

_What's it like, eating rats?_

Disgusting. It's nice to have real food again.

_I would imagine so. I'm glad you're safe again._

Hardly, Moony.

_Safer._

Well, yes.

_It's been hard. Being away from you for so long after I was so sure we could… stay together._

I know. It's been hard for me, too.

_Padfoot, do you know that I love you?_

Of course…

_I love you._

Love you, too.

_More than anything, Sirius. More than anything in the world. ...Sirius?

* * *

_

But you fell asleep. You looked so sweet sleeping that night. I don't suppose you remembered that in the morning, let alone now. You were so tired. I doubt you heard me.

Do you hear me now, Sirius? If I knew that you could hear me, somehow it would be bearable. Not okay, never okay, Sirius, but bearable.

* * *

_Sirius, do you hear me?

* * *

_

You can't answer me now. I don't know why. I want to know why. Can't anybody tell me why? But how can I ask that when right now I've got my arm around this boy, this strange, magical boy who is trying like hell to get away from me so he can chase after you the way I wish I could? How can I let myself be weak enough to ask why when this boy is staring at me, silently asking me the same thing?

We loved you, Sirius. We love you. We need you now, Padfoot, and you can't be here.

Do you want to be with us?

Have you forgotten us already? Your memory always faded when you were faced with a new adventure.

You loved me, Sirius. I know you did. You told me so, but you've left me now. I know you didn't want to go, but you still did. Why is this so hard for me to grasp? Sirius, I don't understand.

* * *

Hope you liked... Reviews would be most welcome.


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